April 24, 2013



Nothing has happened as it's supposed to. Nothing is going right; nothing has gone right. When I thought I lost everything I was proved so horribly wrong. Everything I'd ever wanted was taken away right in front of my eyes. Then I returned to find things so different. None of it is fair...



I've spent my entire birthday, the entire last 24 hours, in self-induced solitary confinement. I let my phone go dead and went the full nine yards; locks on chains in pitch blackness. No contact. No food or feeding. No company. Nothing at all. It has a certain, strange appeal. I may or may not do it again. I guess we'll see.



I just want to rewind back to Christmas, or even January, when things seemed to be so perfect and easy. I had almost everything I could ask for and I was beyond happy. It was the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. Now so much has happened and changed, and I am miserable. I'm wishing I could go back and freeze time.



I miss him. His touch, his voice, his scent, his laugh, that look in his eyes - everything about him. There isn't an hour that passes in a day when he's not on my mind. My heart aches constantly, but I try so hard to ignore it; I fail miserably. I miss him so much. I wish he knew. I don't even think he realizes it. This love is never going to fade.



Why can't I go back? Why can't I change things?







April 25, 2013



Nonononononononono...



I think... I think I'm going to be sick.
I've got this twisting, rolling, pummeled feeling in my stomach.
I think I'm going to be sick...



Fuck, I'm going to be sick.







April 27, 2013



You said that You loved me.

You said forever.
You said that I would always be Your girl, no matter what.
You said I was Your kitten and Your muse.
You said that nothing and no one would ever change that - or how You felt.
You said You didn't know what You would ever do without me.
You said You couldn't, and never wanted, to imagine Your life without me in it.



I told You that You were everything to me.
I told You how much I loved You.
I told You that I never wanted to know what it was like to lose You.
I told You that my feelings would never change or go away.
I told You that I didn't want anyone else and that I never would.
I told You that I would love You forever - until I was no more.



I gave You everything. Every last part of me is Yours.



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But where are we now?
What happened to all of those words?
What happened to the promise each one held?
What happened to the life we shared? The one You share with someone else now.



Everything has become a memory...



I made my vows and have never broken them. I still love You with all that I am. I miss You with every beat of my heart and breath I take. Somehow almost everything reminds me of You. I would still lay down my life for You and do anything You asked me to. You are still everything to me; my entire world. You are in my heart. Your name is written over it. And it breaks every day but it will remain forever loyal to You.



Nothing is the same without You and these nightmares and thoughts plague me every day and night. I can't escape them and You're not there for me to run to. Nothing is the same at all and I wish You knew exactly how I feel. Maybe it wouldn't change the present. I really don't expect that it would, since You seem so happy now. But at least You would know and I wouldn't be suffering this alone. I need You, just like I always have.



I just want to rewind time so that I was back in Your arms again; safe, warm, and protected. The place where I really belong.



But that door slammed in my face some time ago and I can't pry it open no matter how hard I try.



I need to be numb again. It doesn't seem to last very long and I always need more. I remember a time where this was never a thought anywhere in my head and now it's just about all I can think of when I fall so far.



How is it that all of this can make me feel this way? I thought Love was supposed to be a good thing.



I need another hit. Something else to shut all of this up. I need to find some more. It seems to work okay.



Fuck.

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Fuck...

​

FUCK!